Ok so I am really pissed off today! Not only did I gain back that 10 pounds I lost on the Master Cleanse (whoever said sperm has no calories was WRONG WRONG WRONG) AND I've been fired from my teaching job! Yes, apparently some old bag complained to managment that I wasn't 'experienced enough' as a teacher for her. She told management she wanted someone with more 'life experience; and possibly kids. Like she would know an experienced yoga teacher if one jumped up and did Kappalabhati breathing all over her! Bitch!
I mean come on! I've been practising yoga for nearly a year now, how much more experience could you want? Some of these other so-called yoga teacher ho's have taken one or two classes, max. So it's a career choice for yummy mummies who haven't got anything better to do? I'm so NOT going to be a yoga teacher... I mean I love getting up there all buff and toned and tanned and telling everyone what to do and shit, but once everyone starts in on the gig. FORGET IT!
Mind you, people do hit on you, men, women, old guys, you name it, they all love a hottie in Prana...
So maybe I won't give up just yet.
My ticket is booked to Mysore. I fly out of here 1st class on 1st May. I didn't write a letter. Fuck that shit. I'm going to walk in there and just say "do you know who I am?"
Kidding. I wrote the letter and am hoping to stay in some dive called The Southern Star. If anyone has stayed there recently, let me know, I'm not going to end up in some godforsaken flea pit in downtown Gokulum... I want hot water, I want fluffy towels, I want vintage Beavis and Butthead on cable...
BL
Monday, April 23, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
When Life hands you Lemons....
Make like Peter Glickman and bleed the Sucka's dry...
I thought that doing a detox would be easy, you know skimp a bit on the Green and Blacks a few days, tighten my Spanx, do a few more classes at PoleCats But no, it is a far far, bigger commitment than that my friends. Oh yes.
My friend Bathsheba and I decided we'd do the Cleanse together, and I have to say her suggestion that we just get some Clen and go the whole Hollywood route to 00 was tempting, but then rumour has it you turn into a horse or something on that shit so forget it!
The Cleanse is so much more Yogic, (although it took a while to stop shaking and hallucinating) and I can really see the difference. My cheeks look really sunken and... (Thats enough already with the pro-Ana stuff, Ed)
Anyway, I'm glad its done and I feel ready to start practice again. I think my legs are thin enough to wrap behind my head twice now! I should just watch I don't break bones doing Garba Pindasana...
I have another Yo-tux class scheduled in later this week so I'm preparing for that. This week Im going to teach them Nasal Labial Line breathing. (NB: If anyone shops during my lesson this time then I will give them lines. Not the white sort either).
I'm busy booking my ticket to Mysore and trying to work out where to stay and what clothes to wear while I'm there. I'm busy rocking the Eighties band A Flock of Seagulls look right now, but how will that translate to Gokulum? It's about time I went. After all, I'm thin, I'm bendy, and I'm out of work, which leaves me with plenty time for idle gossip/ meaningful discussion of yoga on my hands.
I guess it's just a matter of time before I'm Authorised!
I thought that doing a detox would be easy, you know skimp a bit on the Green and Blacks a few days, tighten my Spanx, do a few more classes at PoleCats But no, it is a far far, bigger commitment than that my friends. Oh yes.
My friend Bathsheba and I decided we'd do the Cleanse together, and I have to say her suggestion that we just get some Clen and go the whole Hollywood route to 00 was tempting, but then rumour has it you turn into a horse or something on that shit so forget it!
The Cleanse is so much more Yogic, (although it took a while to stop shaking and hallucinating) and I can really see the difference. My cheeks look really sunken and... (Thats enough already with the pro-Ana stuff, Ed)
Anyway, I'm glad its done and I feel ready to start practice again. I think my legs are thin enough to wrap behind my head twice now! I should just watch I don't break bones doing Garba Pindasana...
I have another Yo-tux class scheduled in later this week so I'm preparing for that. This week Im going to teach them Nasal Labial Line breathing. (NB: If anyone shops during my lesson this time then I will give them lines. Not the white sort either).
I'm busy booking my ticket to Mysore and trying to work out where to stay and what clothes to wear while I'm there. I'm busy rocking the Eighties band A Flock of Seagulls look right now, but how will that translate to Gokulum? It's about time I went. After all, I'm thin, I'm bendy, and I'm out of work, which leaves me with plenty time for idle gossip/ meaningful discussion of yoga on my hands.
I guess it's just a matter of time before I'm Authorised!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
India Butt
Teaching all those Anas last week - in front of four mirrors no less! - made me start thinking about my own fat arse. I've decided to do it: The Master Cleanse. I know it's not very original but I'm starting next week. Or maybe I should start this week. I don't know, I need to get some eating out of the way first. And after the 12-day cleanse I'm going ALL RAW. This time I mean it. Lucky for me sushi isn't cooked!
If that doesn't work I'm going to have to get to Mysore ASAP so I can get an India Butt. You know, the one that's all shrunken and cute because you've been sick the whole time. I can't wait for my baggy size 00's from high school to fit again. Mid-waist pleated straightleg baggies are going to be THEE Next Big Thing and (as usual) I'M THERE FIRST, SUCKAS.
Which reminds me. I've been inspired by Madonna (again). I'm going to start designing my own t-shirts. Well, actually, I've already started designing them. They're supercute yoga t-shirts. I'll post one soon, promise. But first I've got to trademark them. You know, I've had so much time on my hands what with losing my job and the BF driving Flatsie back to her beloved Russia that I had to do SOMETHING so I didn't go stir crazy and believe you me, practise alone ain't cuttin it. And since the yoga teaching offers and fashion magazine editorships haven't exactly been pouring in, well, I figure I need a new career. I can't WAIT to show my designs to you. All ten of you.
Oh yeah. So we got Flats to the airport (me in the back seat again) only to find out that Aeroflot owed so much in gate fees that they'd been banished for good! No plane! So right then and there BF offered to drive her back to Russia. That's such a long drive -- and he's SUCH a bad driver, and with no GPS no less. She wears so much cologne and he talks incessantly -- they deserve each other. But I'm still playing dumb about their rel. because I want that yoga studio so badly I can taste it (actually it tastes a little bit like chicken. Not that I'd know what that tastes like). So it's time to expand my horizons. And buy my ticket to Mysore. Or.....I wonder if BF would give me a ride there. We could go through Afghanistan on the way. Those Pashtun guys are HOT. And I bet the opium lords at least are really loaded. In more ways than one. Hmmmm....
If that doesn't work I'm going to have to get to Mysore ASAP so I can get an India Butt. You know, the one that's all shrunken and cute because you've been sick the whole time. I can't wait for my baggy size 00's from high school to fit again. Mid-waist pleated straightleg baggies are going to be THEE Next Big Thing and (as usual) I'M THERE FIRST, SUCKAS.
Which reminds me. I've been inspired by Madonna (again). I'm going to start designing my own t-shirts. Well, actually, I've already started designing them. They're supercute yoga t-shirts. I'll post one soon, promise. But first I've got to trademark them. You know, I've had so much time on my hands what with losing my job and the BF driving Flatsie back to her beloved Russia that I had to do SOMETHING so I didn't go stir crazy and believe you me, practise alone ain't cuttin it. And since the yoga teaching offers and fashion magazine editorships haven't exactly been pouring in, well, I figure I need a new career. I can't WAIT to show my designs to you. All ten of you.
Oh yeah. So we got Flats to the airport (me in the back seat again) only to find out that Aeroflot owed so much in gate fees that they'd been banished for good! No plane! So right then and there BF offered to drive her back to Russia. That's such a long drive -- and he's SUCH a bad driver, and with no GPS no less. She wears so much cologne and he talks incessantly -- they deserve each other. But I'm still playing dumb about their rel. because I want that yoga studio so badly I can taste it (actually it tastes a little bit like chicken. Not that I'd know what that tastes like). So it's time to expand my horizons. And buy my ticket to Mysore. Or.....I wonder if BF would give me a ride there. We could go through Afghanistan on the way. Those Pashtun guys are HOT. And I bet the opium lords at least are really loaded. In more ways than one. Hmmmm....
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Into the Groove
Lip Thump is so an asana - I looked it up in HYP (Harper's Yoga Pradipika) and it's there, next to Adjust-asana (you know the one where you come back to Samasthiti and pull your pant-bunch from out of yo' crack) or how about can't-be-arsed-to-do-"insert what ever asana you don't like to do here"... (in my case, all of em) Well anyhoo.. I'm wondering if teaching might be my calling as a couple of the ladies ran right up to me after the class and asked if I might 'do them' privately. I said I would get back to them as I have an astrology (Vedic) session booked in tomorrow and I want to wait to see what he says...
I feel as if BF and I are drifting. He sounded vague when I tried to make plans for the weekend and said he had to clear his shed out. His Shed? I didn't even know he had a shed.. Or is that man-speak for "I dont' want to see you anymore and your friend gives better blow-jobs"? That Flatsie...
Those thin women in class made me all paranoid. I think I might have gained weight over the holidays. I mean I'm thinner than I used to be, of course that's the Yoga :) But I felt the tiniest muffin top today when I put my new H & M Madonna-designed track pants on...
I love that you can actually buy the clothes that she wears herself! I think its fantastic that someone as cool and trendy as Madonna herself actually shops at H & M. I mean she does, doesn't she?
BL
I feel as if BF and I are drifting. He sounded vague when I tried to make plans for the weekend and said he had to clear his shed out. His Shed? I didn't even know he had a shed.. Or is that man-speak for "I dont' want to see you anymore and your friend gives better blow-jobs"? That Flatsie...
Those thin women in class made me all paranoid. I think I might have gained weight over the holidays. I mean I'm thinner than I used to be, of course that's the Yoga :) But I felt the tiniest muffin top today when I put my new H & M Madonna-designed track pants on...
I love that you can actually buy the clothes that she wears herself! I think its fantastic that someone as cool and trendy as Madonna herself actually shops at H & M. I mean she does, doesn't she?
BL
Monday, April 9, 2007
...TIL U DROP
Let's just say we've been adjusting my meds for most of April and we aren't quite there yet, OK? So you can stop with the mean comments or I may stop taking them altogether and whatever happens will be added to your karmic scorecard.
I taught my first class! They say you should teach what you know and even though I'm really good at astanga I taugh a Yo-Tox class. I'm sorry -- Revita-yoga sounds like some kind of milk-based health drink that's only offered at senior care facilities and I'm so over dairy at this point. And old people. Anyway class was awesome - I had a great time -- and we did lots of lion and other face-saving poses. Some very famous ex-models and dowagers were there (naming names wouldn't be very yogic, would it?). Seeing them do Kiss-the-Sky pose while Hendrix played on the stereo was so entertaining it almost made me forget that I wasn't being paid to teach the class.
Still, I really don't understand how teachers keep from killing their students.
A couple of the women -- Anas to be sure -- kept leaving and returning, leaving and returning. Right when I was in the middle of a great personal story or waxing poetic about how yoga has changed my life and now I only shave my legs twice a day, they would get up to leave. They'd leave for like, ten minutes. It doesn't take that long to puke. Believe me, I know. Then I noticed that every time they came back they were wearing different outfits. They mixed and matched (and not always to good effect): Lulu, Prana, Be Present, Life is Hard, Shiva Shakti. They also looked thinner and a little greener each time.
After class I asked the desk person (who could stand to lose a few pounds, just between you and me) what they were doing and she showed me their credit card receipts. It turns out they were shopping at the studio's Yo-tique -- DURING MY CLASS.
Bitches!
If I'd known that during class I would have taken pictures of them in lion and lip-thump and posted them right here -- or at least asked for a percentage of the sales.
I'm scheduled to teach again next week -- for a fee! -- and there's no way I'm going to show them moola bandha. No way. They don't deserve to know about it. Damn chicken-neck ho's.
I taught my first class! They say you should teach what you know and even though I'm really good at astanga I taugh a Yo-Tox class. I'm sorry -- Revita-yoga sounds like some kind of milk-based health drink that's only offered at senior care facilities and I'm so over dairy at this point. And old people. Anyway class was awesome - I had a great time -- and we did lots of lion and other face-saving poses. Some very famous ex-models and dowagers were there (naming names wouldn't be very yogic, would it?). Seeing them do Kiss-the-Sky pose while Hendrix played on the stereo was so entertaining it almost made me forget that I wasn't being paid to teach the class.
Still, I really don't understand how teachers keep from killing their students.
A couple of the women -- Anas to be sure -- kept leaving and returning, leaving and returning. Right when I was in the middle of a great personal story or waxing poetic about how yoga has changed my life and now I only shave my legs twice a day, they would get up to leave. They'd leave for like, ten minutes. It doesn't take that long to puke. Believe me, I know. Then I noticed that every time they came back they were wearing different outfits. They mixed and matched (and not always to good effect): Lulu, Prana, Be Present, Life is Hard, Shiva Shakti. They also looked thinner and a little greener each time.
After class I asked the desk person (who could stand to lose a few pounds, just between you and me) what they were doing and she showed me their credit card receipts. It turns out they were shopping at the studio's Yo-tique -- DURING MY CLASS.
Bitches!
If I'd known that during class I would have taken pictures of them in lion and lip-thump and posted them right here -- or at least asked for a percentage of the sales.
I'm scheduled to teach again next week -- for a fee! -- and there's no way I'm going to show them moola bandha. No way. They don't deserve to know about it. Damn chicken-neck ho's.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Spoiler!
Episode 5, Season 1.
Bad Lady finds herself teaching her first yoga class and encounters some interesting students, many of whom push her rather prominent (and swaroski-encrusted) buttons.. An encounter with a local gang-hoodlum draws Bad Lady into a web of intrigue and gives rise to the question "is it ever alright to put a hit out on your BF?" Stay tuned
Bad Lady finds herself teaching her first yoga class and encounters some interesting students, many of whom push her rather prominent (and swaroski-encrusted) buttons.. An encounter with a local gang-hoodlum draws Bad Lady into a web of intrigue and gives rise to the question "is it ever alright to put a hit out on your BF?" Stay tuned
Friday, April 6, 2007
Eye Opener
Major, MAJOR drama -- can't write about it now.
At least my practise was good. Quite good in fact. The new mirror makes all the difference.
More later (I hope!).
At least my practise was good. Quite good in fact. The new mirror makes all the difference.
More later (I hope!).
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
In Yo' Face
Flatsie, BF and I had a fabulous raw lunch at G-Spot today. Can you say "naked pizza?" Flatsie actually wore a raw hemp summer dress that was so short her arse-cheeks peeked out when she leaned over. Her practise-thong looks like a sanitary pad from that angle. Should I tell her? Nah....
Anyway G-Spot is way across town and I was exhausted after our escapades the other night and the nut "burger," turnip "fries," and sun-dried tomato "bloody marys" -- which to my surprise were made with raw vodka imported from Finland and not some organic soybean shit -- didn't help either. But I was so wrecked I slept in the back seat and told Flats to ride shotgun. She shot me a strange look but got into the front seat anyway.
As I started to drop off I noticed that she and BF seemed to be flirting with each other. I thought, no big deal, they're cool and besides, I'm half asleep and this is probably just some dream.
I had a good snooze -- until I awakened to some gross slurping sounds. I opened my eyes and saw Flatsie's perfect blonde head jerk up from BF's lap. At least I think that's what I saw. I'm not sure. Was I awake, or was I asleep? After it happened (or didn't happen), he squirmed in his seat and she reached into her Chanel hobo bag for lipstick, so I'm pretty sure I saw *something.* In any case my stomach certainly saw it because I immediately started to retch . BF handed me a D&G bag and I let loose. Everything came up and then some. Flatsie held my hair. Or was it BF? In any case I feel really thin now and I bet my practise tomorrow will be amazing.
But I'm so confused. On the one hand, they can't be trusted and I can't leave them alone together. I may have to break up with the BF and cut Flatsie loose -- which would be such a drag, because he's got such an great car and promised he'd help me open a yoga studio, and she said she'd sub for me when I go to India. I bet a topless supermodel would attract a ton of students. On the other hand, if I let it go and give them some time alone together I'm off the hook for a blowjobs for awhile -- or at least until Flats leaves. She just extended her trip a few days. Maybe I can have my teeth whitened!
I hate this frickin limbo. If any of my dear readers has any advice, I might just consider it. I'm that desperate.
Anyway G-Spot is way across town and I was exhausted after our escapades the other night and the nut "burger," turnip "fries," and sun-dried tomato "bloody marys" -- which to my surprise were made with raw vodka imported from Finland and not some organic soybean shit -- didn't help either. But I was so wrecked I slept in the back seat and told Flats to ride shotgun. She shot me a strange look but got into the front seat anyway.
As I started to drop off I noticed that she and BF seemed to be flirting with each other. I thought, no big deal, they're cool and besides, I'm half asleep and this is probably just some dream.
I had a good snooze -- until I awakened to some gross slurping sounds. I opened my eyes and saw Flatsie's perfect blonde head jerk up from BF's lap. At least I think that's what I saw. I'm not sure. Was I awake, or was I asleep? After it happened (or didn't happen), he squirmed in his seat and she reached into her Chanel hobo bag for lipstick, so I'm pretty sure I saw *something.* In any case my stomach certainly saw it because I immediately started to retch . BF handed me a D&G bag and I let loose. Everything came up and then some. Flatsie held my hair. Or was it BF? In any case I feel really thin now and I bet my practise tomorrow will be amazing.
But I'm so confused. On the one hand, they can't be trusted and I can't leave them alone together. I may have to break up with the BF and cut Flatsie loose -- which would be such a drag, because he's got such an great car and promised he'd help me open a yoga studio, and she said she'd sub for me when I go to India. I bet a topless supermodel would attract a ton of students. On the other hand, if I let it go and give them some time alone together I'm off the hook for a blowjobs for awhile -- or at least until Flats leaves. She just extended her trip a few days. Maybe I can have my teeth whitened!
I hate this frickin limbo. If any of my dear readers has any advice, I might just consider it. I'm that desperate.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Book Club!
Oh, I forgot to say... Flatsie reading and all that made me think that if I want to be a writer, I had better start reading! Then, somewhat serendipitously, there was a notice up at the Shala that said; "Want to learn more about Yoga? Want to join like-minded people in a weekly discussion group? We will take the key texts on Ha-tha yoga, The Sutras and look at the meaning of Spirituality. For our first meeting, please come prepared to give a short summation of a text you would like included on this list"
So perfect! I have been wrestling with Yoga School Drop Out for ever! I hope they've read it...
Oh, one thing, the Book Club is 'by invitation only' and I have to convince a panel that i am suitable for their meetings... Stay tuned!
BL
So perfect! I have been wrestling with Yoga School Drop Out for ever! I hope they've read it...
Oh, one thing, the Book Club is 'by invitation only' and I have to convince a panel that i am suitable for their meetings... Stay tuned!
BL
Always Moola Bandha?
So Flatsie and I hit the Absinthe quite hard last night.. I dont remembr whose idea that was but I know we ended up in a bar called "Bohemian Rhapsody" (don't look for it, it isnt' there anymore...) and after a few pints of the green stuff we got talking, and invariably the talk turned, as it must, to the messy business of sex. Now me personally, I don't take Brama-watsit that seriously, I mean, what's the point of having a moola banda to die for if you can't show it off once in a while?
Flatsie took it one step further, as she always does, (she used to be a competetive shot putter back in the Eastern Bloc) and said "Vot is point of good bandhas if can't do this?"
Yep, you guessed it. She treated us to a live show of Patpong Ping Pong... I mean, is this girl super-fun or what? She had the regulars (some dressed up like they were from that film Moulin Rouge, I mean what's with that I don't get it) line up and try catch the balls, and I must say Flatsie's aim is true! Man, she was firing on all cylinders!
After that things got a bit hazy, but I do remember having to haul Flatsie's Russian ass home at 3am as we were going to get up at 6 to practice! Yes you heard me right, practice! at that hour!
Well, it wasn't my idea, as I don't normally go to those Mysore classes, but Flatsie is mad for it and as she is only in town for one more day I couldn't say no... I made sure I had on these amazing crops from Shiva Shakti, they really do 'wick moisture away' down there!
The teacher was mean! He told me to stop at Nakrasana, can you believe it? AND he told Flats to put on some more clothing! I mean it was HOT in there and she was wearing TRADITIONAL GARB for G'ds sake! Maybe he didn't actually KNOW that? Plonker.
Anyway, we didn't stay long, I just couldn't stop thinking about BF in Savasana and, how last time we did do it, he muttered something about ' too vanilla' and asked if I would dress up as that woman who's now married to King Charles over in England, Camilla something... I dont think that's going to float my boat for long.
Anyway, now I'm tired and cranky and I need to rest. Flatsie is out on the terrace practising.... There's a guy who lives over the way and I'm pretty sure she's got her 'aim' trained on him...
BL
Flatsie took it one step further, as she always does, (she used to be a competetive shot putter back in the Eastern Bloc) and said "Vot is point of good bandhas if can't do this?"
Yep, you guessed it. She treated us to a live show of Patpong Ping Pong... I mean, is this girl super-fun or what? She had the regulars (some dressed up like they were from that film Moulin Rouge, I mean what's with that I don't get it) line up and try catch the balls, and I must say Flatsie's aim is true! Man, she was firing on all cylinders!
After that things got a bit hazy, but I do remember having to haul Flatsie's Russian ass home at 3am as we were going to get up at 6 to practice! Yes you heard me right, practice! at that hour!
Well, it wasn't my idea, as I don't normally go to those Mysore classes, but Flatsie is mad for it and as she is only in town for one more day I couldn't say no... I made sure I had on these amazing crops from Shiva Shakti, they really do 'wick moisture away' down there!
The teacher was mean! He told me to stop at Nakrasana, can you believe it? AND he told Flats to put on some more clothing! I mean it was HOT in there and she was wearing TRADITIONAL GARB for G'ds sake! Maybe he didn't actually KNOW that? Plonker.
Anyway, we didn't stay long, I just couldn't stop thinking about BF in Savasana and, how last time we did do it, he muttered something about ' too vanilla' and asked if I would dress up as that woman who's now married to King Charles over in England, Camilla something... I dont think that's going to float my boat for long.
Anyway, now I'm tired and cranky and I need to rest. Flatsie is out on the terrace practising.... There's a guy who lives over the way and I'm pretty sure she's got her 'aim' trained on him...
BL
Monday, April 2, 2007
MoooooooonDay
Flatsie is so traditional -- she eats a saatvic diet and practices wearing only a tiny hand-loom cotton loincloth that's smaller than a thong and held in place with string, just like the Brahmins used to wear. It's a riot to watch her practice -- especially in shoulderstand! -- because she is anything BUT a "Flatsie" in the chest department. I guess that makes her an oxymoron.
I told her this and she pouted and pointed to the book she was reading. I don't think it translated quite right to Russian. She got over it pretty quickly though.
After that I started to practise. But Miss Traditional wouldn't budge on a moon day. Instead she reclined on the divan and smoked those stinky Russian cigarettes and read to me while I did my asanas (pink rug today).
The book she read was Gulliver's Travels, which I'd always thought was a children's cartoon. But apparently it's based on an actual book. Flatsie said it was written in 1726 but I'm pretty sure she was lying.
Plus the story she read was so stupid I found it hard to concentrate and only changed outfits once (Lulu to Be Present, in case you're wondering).
So this Gulliver person landed on a pair of islands where all of these tiny people lived. One of the islands was named after Lilias Foran, and everyone on the islands was about six inches tall. They didn't know what to make of the giant Gulliver, so they captured him. And then there was some kind of war going on. These two islands were warring over what has to be by far the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Half of them thought a hard-boild egg should be eaten from the large end.
The other half thought it should be from the small end.
See what I mean?
How STUPID, to be divided over egg-eating.
IT MADE ME SO MAD TO HEAR THAT WHEN I WAS TRYING TO PULL UP IN KARANDAVASANA I ALMOST STOPPED PRACTISING.
Yet there's a whole chapter about it, and it goes on and on and on.
I'm sorry, but I just can't suspend my disbelief that much. No way would people get riled up about something so trivial -- even if the people were really small and had nothing else to think about, like in the book. It just doesn't add up. But the two nations were permanently at war over it.
What I REALLY can't believe is that kind of crapola is in a book, and people would actually read it.
I wonder where it ranks on Amazon.
I wonder where MY book would rank on Amazon.
Ha -- I feel kind of inspired now. But Flatsie's here, and it would be so mean to ask her to leave. She might get kidnapped again. Besides, we have so many fun things planned -- so much debauchery! Stay tuned!
I told her this and she pouted and pointed to the book she was reading. I don't think it translated quite right to Russian. She got over it pretty quickly though.
After that I started to practise. But Miss Traditional wouldn't budge on a moon day. Instead she reclined on the divan and smoked those stinky Russian cigarettes and read to me while I did my asanas (pink rug today).
The book she read was Gulliver's Travels, which I'd always thought was a children's cartoon. But apparently it's based on an actual book. Flatsie said it was written in 1726 but I'm pretty sure she was lying.
Plus the story she read was so stupid I found it hard to concentrate and only changed outfits once (Lulu to Be Present, in case you're wondering).
So this Gulliver person landed on a pair of islands where all of these tiny people lived. One of the islands was named after Lilias Foran, and everyone on the islands was about six inches tall. They didn't know what to make of the giant Gulliver, so they captured him. And then there was some kind of war going on. These two islands were warring over what has to be by far the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Half of them thought a hard-boild egg should be eaten from the large end.
The other half thought it should be from the small end.
See what I mean?
How STUPID, to be divided over egg-eating.
IT MADE ME SO MAD TO HEAR THAT WHEN I WAS TRYING TO PULL UP IN KARANDAVASANA I ALMOST STOPPED PRACTISING.
Yet there's a whole chapter about it, and it goes on and on and on.
I'm sorry, but I just can't suspend my disbelief that much. No way would people get riled up about something so trivial -- even if the people were really small and had nothing else to think about, like in the book. It just doesn't add up. But the two nations were permanently at war over it.
What I REALLY can't believe is that kind of crapola is in a book, and people would actually read it.
I wonder where it ranks on Amazon.
I wonder where MY book would rank on Amazon.
Ha -- I feel kind of inspired now. But Flatsie's here, and it would be so mean to ask her to leave. She might get kidnapped again. Besides, we have so many fun things planned -- so much debauchery! Stay tuned!
Fame
Wasn't it Jude Law who said "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about?" And he should know!
Its amazing what a few days 'exposure' on the net can do. One day I am a jobless fashion disaster, the next day I have Perez Hilton on the Blackberry asking if I will do lunch this week! The Fugly girls are keen to have me over for a waxing and gossip session (with cocktails served by Intern George!) and The Onion are making serious offers...
However, I'm not fussed. I know fame is easy come easy go and I should be focussing on what's really important (what colour Yogitoes towel to use today?) like my practice and World Poverty.
Oh ok, just my practice then, I don't have enough time to cover WP today. I discovered what had happeend to Flatsie! Oh poor Flatsie. She was mistakenly picked from the airport by a guy who thought she was his mail order bride.
I had to go get her from this guys apartment. Well he'd chained her to the bed so I had to go in with a hacksaw. She' ok now.
Its amazing what a few days 'exposure' on the net can do. One day I am a jobless fashion disaster, the next day I have Perez Hilton on the Blackberry asking if I will do lunch this week! The Fugly girls are keen to have me over for a waxing and gossip session (with cocktails served by Intern George!) and The Onion are making serious offers...
However, I'm not fussed. I know fame is easy come easy go and I should be focussing on what's really important (what colour Yogitoes towel to use today?) like my practice and World Poverty.
Oh ok, just my practice then, I don't have enough time to cover WP today. I discovered what had happeend to Flatsie! Oh poor Flatsie. She was mistakenly picked from the airport by a guy who thought she was his mail order bride.
I had to go get her from this guys apartment. Well he'd chained her to the bed so I had to go in with a hacksaw. She' ok now.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Stood Up?
I tried to practise in the morning today because Flatsie was coming in the afternoon.
Two cups of organic fair trade shade grown whole grain coffee gave me the energy to step onto my orange YogiToes mat. Orange is the new purple, by the way. Don't tell anyone I told you. I was actually researching that when I was canned. They did give me a nice severance though.
Anyway. I tried to practice in the AM. I got through some sun salutations and then checked my e-mail. I had to return a few, as they were urgent (viz, regarding lunch next week). Afterwards I did the standing poses up to the one with the palms in reverse Namaste. I put on some Pink. But then I didn't know what I felt like doing. Primary? Second? Advanced A? It's hard to make decisions when--..... Anyway. I wasn't sure, and I'm tired of my usual flow. But then I thought, well BL this is about discipline and you better damn well start stepping up to the plate -- especially if you're going to sub that class on Saturday night (Yes! I'm teaching my first yoga class next week!). So I did my usual flow and rewarded myself with a little online Prana shopping trip. Then BF and I got into his cool new silver Audi hybrid and went to the airport to get Flatsie.
The plane came, but Flatsie wasn't on it. It was Aeroflot, maybe that's why. Well, I think it was her plane. We waited 20 minutes -- can you believe people still wear babushkas? -- and then BF said, forget it, let's go, maybe she took another flight and besides I'm hungry. So we went to Posh-Nosh and filled up on overpriced tapas and organic bloody marys. If you haven't been there yet, you really must try it. The raw chai crepes are exquisite. NOTE: If you aren't a Person to be Reckoned With (like us), then you should go at the off times or prepare to wait in line.
So here it is two hours later and I haven't heard from Flatsie. And I was so excited to see her. And I practised early and everything in order to get her. I have to say, I feel a little inconvenienced -- especially because now I have to sit around and wait to hear from her. I mean, how selfish. This "real yoga" BS is highly overated, if you ask me.
Two cups of organic fair trade shade grown whole grain coffee gave me the energy to step onto my orange YogiToes mat. Orange is the new purple, by the way. Don't tell anyone I told you. I was actually researching that when I was canned. They did give me a nice severance though.
Anyway. I tried to practice in the AM. I got through some sun salutations and then checked my e-mail. I had to return a few, as they were urgent (viz, regarding lunch next week). Afterwards I did the standing poses up to the one with the palms in reverse Namaste. I put on some Pink. But then I didn't know what I felt like doing. Primary? Second? Advanced A? It's hard to make decisions when--..... Anyway. I wasn't sure, and I'm tired of my usual flow. But then I thought, well BL this is about discipline and you better damn well start stepping up to the plate -- especially if you're going to sub that class on Saturday night (Yes! I'm teaching my first yoga class next week!). So I did my usual flow and rewarded myself with a little online Prana shopping trip. Then BF and I got into his cool new silver Audi hybrid and went to the airport to get Flatsie.
The plane came, but Flatsie wasn't on it. It was Aeroflot, maybe that's why. Well, I think it was her plane. We waited 20 minutes -- can you believe people still wear babushkas? -- and then BF said, forget it, let's go, maybe she took another flight and besides I'm hungry. So we went to Posh-Nosh and filled up on overpriced tapas and organic bloody marys. If you haven't been there yet, you really must try it. The raw chai crepes are exquisite. NOTE: If you aren't a Person to be Reckoned With (like us), then you should go at the off times or prepare to wait in line.
So here it is two hours later and I haven't heard from Flatsie. And I was so excited to see her. And I practised early and everything in order to get her. I have to say, I feel a little inconvenienced -- especially because now I have to sit around and wait to hear from her. I mean, how selfish. This "real yoga" BS is highly overated, if you ask me.
Yoga stuff works!
I practiced today but it was not that good :( I mean I've been reading about how the-not-so-good practices are just as good as the good ones and how you practice non-attachement and all that but godamnn it I just like it when I look in the mirror and see myself doing the poses really well, and that my make up has not slid down my face...
Also, my lulu crops were riding up my, ahem,, lady business and it was not comfortable. I changed 3 times, once between each series.
My yogitoes mat did help, I rushed right out and bought 5! one colour for each chakra! I mean how clever of the manufactorers to add those little nubbly, bubbly bits that really do make all the difference to jump thru!
I still cant find the perfect mat bag however.. I've seen a couple that you can stash your ipod, laptop, workout gear, sorry yoga clothes, and much more .. but they were way too expensive.
I don't think my meds are working. Well the ones I am legally on anyway! I feel kind of flat. Which reminds me, my friend Flatsie is coming to stay tomorow! I can't wait to see her. She's a six foot something Russian model and she practises Astanga! In the nude! Stay tuned!
Also, my lulu crops were riding up my, ahem,, lady business and it was not comfortable. I changed 3 times, once between each series.
My yogitoes mat did help, I rushed right out and bought 5! one colour for each chakra! I mean how clever of the manufactorers to add those little nubbly, bubbly bits that really do make all the difference to jump thru!
I still cant find the perfect mat bag however.. I've seen a couple that you can stash your ipod, laptop, workout gear, sorry yoga clothes, and much more .. but they were way too expensive.
I don't think my meds are working. Well the ones I am legally on anyway! I feel kind of flat. Which reminds me, my friend Flatsie is coming to stay tomorow! I can't wait to see her. She's a six foot something Russian model and she practises Astanga! In the nude! Stay tuned!
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Questions...
Should I buy the Yogitoes or go with the mysore mat? I have a bunch of mats but I don't want to feel left out as most folks have about 10
Should I practice on a Saturday? even though I really want to and even though the Astanga Police say I shouldnt.
Should I go to Mysore and get a couple of t-shirts that say I've been there?
Or should I just tell someone else to go and get them for me and make up a blog that looks as if I have been there?
Or should I just forget all this crap and concentrate on more important things? Like getting a new job and (possibly) a new BF?
Will Heather Mills win the Celebrity Goldiggin' Dance off ?
Should I practice on a Saturday? even though I really want to and even though the Astanga Police say I shouldnt.
Should I go to Mysore and get a couple of t-shirts that say I've been there?
Or should I just tell someone else to go and get them for me and make up a blog that looks as if I have been there?
Or should I just forget all this crap and concentrate on more important things? Like getting a new job and (possibly) a new BF?
Will Heather Mills win the Celebrity Goldiggin' Dance off ?
Friday, March 30, 2007
Eat This Post
I could get used to not working.
It's nice to have so much time for yoga; I just added a few more poses from Third Series. I mean, who doesn't like putting their legs behind their head?
Although my head does sometimes get in the way.
But it's my twists that really suck lately, so I've deleted Mari C and Pasasana.
BF says I should lay off the cupcakes and cheese plates. This is funny, because he's the fat one.
As soon as I can do the Master Cleanse again, I'm going raw. I love anything tartare.
In the meantime I've got to get on a schedule. I practice in the middle of the afternoon. But I get so hungry in the morning. And I have lunch dates penciled in every day next week. I don't know what to do. I can't exactly cancel. I mean, these people are taking me to lunch.
And I can't possibly practice in the morning. I'm way too stiff.
But I have to figure out the food thing.
Today so far I've had:
-Organic fair trade shade grown whole grain coffee
-Free-range omlette
-Cashews (raw + soaked = live)
-Fresh organic carrot-beet-tomato juice
-Frosted Flakes
-Jar of Bacos
-Carrot sticks
And it's not even noon yet.
Oh! Wait!
I just remembered reading something a few months ago about Guruji's diet.
I think it's 1/3 food, 1/3 water and 1/3 something else.
Rice?
Milk?
Chapattis?
Ghee?
Chocolate?
I wish I could remember.
It's so hard to break the rules when you don't know what they are.
It's nice to have so much time for yoga; I just added a few more poses from Third Series. I mean, who doesn't like putting their legs behind their head?
Although my head does sometimes get in the way.
But it's my twists that really suck lately, so I've deleted Mari C and Pasasana.
BF says I should lay off the cupcakes and cheese plates. This is funny, because he's the fat one.
As soon as I can do the Master Cleanse again, I'm going raw. I love anything tartare.
In the meantime I've got to get on a schedule. I practice in the middle of the afternoon. But I get so hungry in the morning. And I have lunch dates penciled in every day next week. I don't know what to do. I can't exactly cancel. I mean, these people are taking me to lunch.
And I can't possibly practice in the morning. I'm way too stiff.
But I have to figure out the food thing.
Today so far I've had:
-Organic fair trade shade grown whole grain coffee
-Free-range omlette
-Cashews (raw + soaked = live)
-Fresh organic carrot-beet-tomato juice
-Frosted Flakes
-Jar of Bacos
-Carrot sticks
And it's not even noon yet.
Oh! Wait!
I just remembered reading something a few months ago about Guruji's diet.
I think it's 1/3 food, 1/3 water and 1/3 something else.
Rice?
Milk?
Chapattis?
Ghee?
Chocolate?
I wish I could remember.
It's so hard to break the rules when you don't know what they are.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
The Devil Wears Prana
I decided to get a tattoo and went downtown to the local parlour. I was nearly put off the tattoooist who looked a little like that guy from Aerosmith - the one with the lips.. But hey, its a look Liv Tyler is rocking..
It took me a fair bit of time to get him to understand the design I had in mind, a Sanskrit translation of three of my favourite words, Dolce e Gabbana.. I had them positioned one on left shoulder blade, one in the nape of my neck and the one on the other shoulder blade. I know people usually have stuff like Shakti or Yoga Chitta Vritti Nirodaha (whatever that is!) but, in the words of one of the characters from my favourite, hip Brit show The Royle Family - Shakti? my arse! I think all that stuff is bullshit and I feel I am really being true to my inner voice in having these words placed there. Hope the scabs drop off real soon...
Oh yeah, NEWS! I got fired! This is bad news. I guess I'm in some kind of denial as I haven't really wanted to think or write about it but they called me yesterday as I was busy clearing out the sample cupboard and I had to do the long walk of shame, past all the guys in advertising to the boardroom. The editor was there and the Editor in Chief. I've never even met the Editor in Chief. She looked kind of mean. And high. Anyway,they made me collect all my stuff, (stuff that btw had taken me a while to steal). Reason? "All this Yoga is turning you into a Hippie!" Apparently also giving me a case of "What were you thinking?" when it came to my dress sense. So I have been experimenting with more ethnic fabrics and wearing a sari petticoat thinking it was a skirt, so what? and apparently I've been neglecting my personal grooming routine a la the Julia Roberts Armpitgate episode.... Actually the reasons were more to do with the fact that since I've taken up yoga I kind of feel this fashion stuff is silly... and perhaps they sense a lack of comittment on my part. Its true, I have been skipping the editorial meetings once in a while to go and do my practice but we only ever bitch about other people. and then call it journalism...I want to learn more about yoga and embrace the spiritual side of it. Its like that song by The Black Eyed Peas Where is the Love? but I feel until now, I never really understood the lyrics... It's all making sense now in a beautiful way...
On the positive side, practice wise I discovered that if I take my sunglasses off while practising I totally get the whole dristi thing!
Thoughts of what to do next. I have always liked writing and maybe I could turn this whole fashion/yoga/blogging thing into a book?
The Devil Wears Prana?
Or maybe television? Gokulum Hills 90210? I would like to see Shannon Docherty get into some hardcore bending and stay cool
Or film, Mat Wars: Episode 6 a New Drishti
Oh the opportunities are endless!
Until soon
BL
It took me a fair bit of time to get him to understand the design I had in mind, a Sanskrit translation of three of my favourite words, Dolce e Gabbana.. I had them positioned one on left shoulder blade, one in the nape of my neck and the one on the other shoulder blade. I know people usually have stuff like Shakti or Yoga Chitta Vritti Nirodaha (whatever that is!) but, in the words of one of the characters from my favourite, hip Brit show The Royle Family - Shakti? my arse! I think all that stuff is bullshit and I feel I am really being true to my inner voice in having these words placed there. Hope the scabs drop off real soon...
Oh yeah, NEWS! I got fired! This is bad news. I guess I'm in some kind of denial as I haven't really wanted to think or write about it but they called me yesterday as I was busy clearing out the sample cupboard and I had to do the long walk of shame, past all the guys in advertising to the boardroom. The editor was there and the Editor in Chief. I've never even met the Editor in Chief. She looked kind of mean. And high. Anyway,they made me collect all my stuff, (stuff that btw had taken me a while to steal). Reason? "All this Yoga is turning you into a Hippie!" Apparently also giving me a case of "What were you thinking?" when it came to my dress sense. So I have been experimenting with more ethnic fabrics and wearing a sari petticoat thinking it was a skirt, so what? and apparently I've been neglecting my personal grooming routine a la the Julia Roberts Armpitgate episode.... Actually the reasons were more to do with the fact that since I've taken up yoga I kind of feel this fashion stuff is silly... and perhaps they sense a lack of comittment on my part. Its true, I have been skipping the editorial meetings once in a while to go and do my practice but we only ever bitch about other people. and then call it journalism...I want to learn more about yoga and embrace the spiritual side of it. Its like that song by The Black Eyed Peas Where is the Love? but I feel until now, I never really understood the lyrics... It's all making sense now in a beautiful way...
On the positive side, practice wise I discovered that if I take my sunglasses off while practising I totally get the whole dristi thing!
Thoughts of what to do next. I have always liked writing and maybe I could turn this whole fashion/yoga/blogging thing into a book?
The Devil Wears Prana?
Or maybe television? Gokulum Hills 90210? I would like to see Shannon Docherty get into some hardcore bending and stay cool
Or film, Mat Wars: Episode 6 a New Drishti
Oh the opportunities are endless!
Until soon
BL
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
D-PRESSION
I have been so depressed.
Is Guruji sick, or is he not?
Will the shala open, or will it remain closed?
I was planning to go to Mysore when the studio re-opens in May.
I have already packed what I'm going to wear, plus the cosmetics and pharmacy.
I've also made a list of all of the fabrics I want to purchase. This past weekend I finished designing my "ethnic" spring line in silk and cotton. It's such a stretch for me, but when in Rome and all that.
I was even going to save a few Euros by paying some locals to sew the entire line for me. That would make it really ethnic.
But if Pattabhi Jois is sick my plans are ruined.
I wish he'd get better -- and fast.
Is Guruji sick, or is he not?
Will the shala open, or will it remain closed?
I was planning to go to Mysore when the studio re-opens in May.
I have already packed what I'm going to wear, plus the cosmetics and pharmacy.
I've also made a list of all of the fabrics I want to purchase. This past weekend I finished designing my "ethnic" spring line in silk and cotton. It's such a stretch for me, but when in Rome and all that.
I was even going to save a few Euros by paying some locals to sew the entire line for me. That would make it really ethnic.
But if Pattabhi Jois is sick my plans are ruined.
I wish he'd get better -- and fast.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Happier today!
I heard on the grapevine via my teacher, (who by the way, has actually taught MADONNA!)
that Guruji, our beloved father figure, is in hospital but doing well. I'm so pleased.
The yoga/botux thing isn't happening. The doc who was going to do the spiking apparently came down with a nasty case of ahem, an intimate infection.
And no one wants Thrush mixed in with their Botchulism
that Guruji, our beloved father figure, is in hospital but doing well. I'm so pleased.
The yoga/botux thing isn't happening. The doc who was going to do the spiking apparently came down with a nasty case of ahem, an intimate infection.
And no one wants Thrush mixed in with their Botchulism
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Blah day
Today I felt like I wanted to kill my boyfriend, N. Who, by the way, is also fabulously rich and well-connected so go figure. I said to him, as I pretended to set the alarm for 5am, "do you mind that I practice yoga so early and we dont' get to cuddle in bed?" to which he replied, after he roused from the temezepan-induced slumber " No, not really" Bastard.
So I got up and practiced, but to be honest, my heart wasn't in it. I kept thinking of all those other people whose blogs look so much better than mine, and are way more interesting. The links, the pictures, the yoga CV's and all that. My driste wandered. Many times. I noticed that my right hip is way tighter than my left, and that my wrists are really killing me. I know that 'opening's are the way to go, and that Guruji says "no pain in the asana, no gain" but really, I can barely lift that soya latte to my lips...
Which leads me to the most pressing point of the day. There's a 'yoga 'n' botox' party happening later this week. P, my friend who works at xxxx company, swears that after a session of kundalini yoga (whatever that is) and then the procedure, she feels great. I have noticed this kind of prominent frown line between my brows.. and my lips are a bit thin... must be all that ujjayi breath...
I never thought I would plump for new lips via the cosmetic procedure way, let alone combine yoga with anti-aging treatments, but really its all the same energy, isnt it? A healthy body and then a healthy mind? Or is the other way round?
What would guruji say?
So I got up and practiced, but to be honest, my heart wasn't in it. I kept thinking of all those other people whose blogs look so much better than mine, and are way more interesting. The links, the pictures, the yoga CV's and all that. My driste wandered. Many times. I noticed that my right hip is way tighter than my left, and that my wrists are really killing me. I know that 'opening's are the way to go, and that Guruji says "no pain in the asana, no gain" but really, I can barely lift that soya latte to my lips...
Which leads me to the most pressing point of the day. There's a 'yoga 'n' botox' party happening later this week. P, my friend who works at xxxx company, swears that after a session of kundalini yoga (whatever that is) and then the procedure, she feels great. I have noticed this kind of prominent frown line between my brows.. and my lips are a bit thin... must be all that ujjayi breath...
I never thought I would plump for new lips via the cosmetic procedure way, let alone combine yoga with anti-aging treatments, but really its all the same energy, isnt it? A healthy body and then a healthy mind? Or is the other way round?
What would guruji say?
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The New Me?
I am so sad! Pattabhi Jois is sick and has cancelled his workshop in Florida. Poor Guruji.
Yesterday I did Primary up to Navasana, Intermediate through Karandavasana, and several poses from Third. This works so well for me; my hips love it. And my spine. And everything else. I can't understand why everyone doesn't do it this way, it just makes so much sense.
Today I did not feel like practicing. I had a little tweak in my hamstring so I decided to go to a spin class instead.
It has been a crappy day all around. BF and I are fighting. It's his fault of course. Cheap bastard. I'm thinking about ending it and becoming a BAV. But how can I tell him if he won't return my calls?
Yesterday I did Primary up to Navasana, Intermediate through Karandavasana, and several poses from Third. This works so well for me; my hips love it. And my spine. And everything else. I can't understand why everyone doesn't do it this way, it just makes so much sense.
Today I did not feel like practicing. I had a little tweak in my hamstring so I decided to go to a spin class instead.
It has been a crappy day all around. BF and I are fighting. It's his fault of course. Cheap bastard. I'm thinking about ending it and becoming a BAV. But how can I tell him if he won't return my calls?
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