...TIL U DROP

Let's just say we've been adjusting my meds for most of April and we aren't quite there yet, OK? So you can stop with the mean comments or I may stop taking them altogether and whatever happens will be added to your karmic scorecard.

I taught my first class! They say you should teach what you know and even though I'm really good at astanga I taugh a Yo-Tox class. I'm sorry -- Revita-yoga sounds like some kind of milk-based health drink that's only offered at senior care facilities and I'm so over dairy at this point. And old people. Anyway class was awesome - I had a great time -- and we did lots of lion and other face-saving poses. Some very famous ex-models and dowagers were there (naming names wouldn't be very yogic, would it?). Seeing them do Kiss-the-Sky pose while Hendrix played on the stereo was so entertaining it almost made me forget that I wasn't being paid to teach the class.

Still, I really don't understand how teachers keep from killing their students.

A couple of the women -- Anas to be sure -- kept leaving and returning, leaving and returning. Right when I was in the middle of a great personal story or waxing poetic about how yoga has changed my life and now I only shave my legs twice a day, they would get up to leave. They'd leave for like, ten minutes. It doesn't take that long to puke. Believe me, I know. Then I noticed that every time they came back they were wearing different outfits. They mixed and matched (and not always to good effect): Lulu, Prana, Be Present, Life is Hard, Shiva Shakti. They also looked thinner and a little greener each time.

After class I asked the desk person (who could stand to lose a few pounds, just between you and me) what they were doing and she showed me their credit card receipts. It turns out they were shopping at the studio's Yo-tique -- DURING MY CLASS.

Bitches!

If I'd known that during class I would have taken pictures of them in lion and lip-thump and posted them right here -- or at least asked for a percentage of the sales.

I'm scheduled to teach again next week -- for a fee! -- and there's no way I'm going to show them moola bandha. No way. They don't deserve to know about it. Damn chicken-neck ho's.