Wednesday, April 4, 2007

In Yo' Face

Flatsie, BF and I had a fabulous raw lunch at G-Spot today. Can you say "naked pizza?" Flatsie actually wore a raw hemp summer dress that was so short her arse-cheeks peeked out when she leaned over. Her practise-thong looks like a sanitary pad from that angle. Should I tell her? Nah....

Anyway G-Spot is way across town and I was exhausted after our escapades the other night and the nut "burger," turnip "fries," and sun-dried tomato "bloody marys" -- which to my surprise were made with raw vodka imported from Finland and not some organic soybean shit -- didn't help either. But I was so wrecked I slept in the back seat and told Flats to ride shotgun. She shot me a strange look but got into the front seat anyway.

As I started to drop off I noticed that she and BF seemed to be flirting with each other. I thought, no big deal, they're cool and besides, I'm half asleep and this is probably just some dream.

I had a good snooze -- until I awakened to some gross slurping sounds. I opened my eyes and saw Flatsie's perfect blonde head jerk up from BF's lap. At least I think that's what I saw. I'm not sure. Was I awake, or was I asleep? After it happened (or didn't happen), he squirmed in his seat and she reached into her Chanel hobo bag for lipstick, so I'm pretty sure I saw *something.* In any case my stomach certainly saw it because I immediately started to retch . BF handed me a D&G bag and I let loose. Everything came up and then some. Flatsie held my hair. Or was it BF? In any case I feel really thin now and I bet my practise tomorrow will be amazing.

But I'm so confused. On the one hand, they can't be trusted and I can't leave them alone together. I may have to break up with the BF and cut Flatsie loose -- which would be such a drag, because he's got such an great car and promised he'd help me open a yoga studio, and she said she'd sub for me when I go to India. I bet a topless supermodel would attract a ton of students. On the other hand, if I let it go and give them some time alone together I'm off the hook for a blowjobs for awhile -- or at least until Flats leaves. She just extended her trip a few days. Maybe I can have my teeth whitened!

I hate this frickin limbo. If any of my dear readers has any advice, I might just consider it. I'm that desperate.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

this post is the mixed of everything from New Year’s Eve then Valentine Day up to Halloween...
I didn’t like it, some sex-blogs are much better.... do not worry about this critique, btw. I do not like any blog on ashtangi.net.. Neither Linda’s blog (dating and bullshit... she can speak about it all day long) Nor Susan’s blog (middle aged all needed and complaining-yoga-wife-mother, another one she can not continue).

Would you try to consider answering what I asked you.. how YOU would describe yourself. This is all what want to know. We are killing time here and I have irresistible desire to fade away from blog worlds.

Zee

Bad Lady said...

I'm just another uptight WASP c-nt from Connecticut.

Boodiba said...

hee hee - Who wouldn't want to talk about dating and bullshit all day long???

I haven't given a blowjob in a car in a long, long time.

Lees Lamar said...

If your going to mention me Zee, why don't at least link it to my blog....and your irresistible desire to fade away from blog world seems to not be able to overcome your irresistible urge to keep coming back.

Anonymous said...

Hi Linda, I do not like your blog b/c you write about “what-people-do”. I like LIFE. There is no life in what-people-do. People have fear of death simply because people never lived, they do not know what life is. I’ll try impossible, to explain you what is LIFE. Life can not be explained it must be lived, but lets try. First let see what is NOT LIFE. (I’ll use some random blogs for that).

This is not life: “In Vons this morning, shopping for the dinner I’m cooking then dropping off for my friend The New Mom, walking aimlessly through the aisles although I should be rushing to get off to work at a decent time. ….”

There is no life here: “I was called to solve a technical problem yesterday and I’ve been holed up doing just that until this very right minute. I think I’ve got it right but after having looked at it for so long, I can’t be sure anymore so I’ve sent my solution off for review and can finally sit back and breathe. …”

And there is none of life here too: “… I'm a ‘big picture person’. I was even more in the clouds when I came back from the first trip. Life was sunny then. Ya I'd had a fling but not a torturous, frequently insulting association. …”

So what is LIFE? It is a simplicity, a moment, a situation. Space and Time are the same thing. Time flows (we call it thought flow) it means that Space itself is moving. And Space is moving around YOU. YOU are in the center of that movement and when YOU are there (in the center) YOU LIVING.. YOU ARE LIFE… but let disregard this metaphysics and go to example of LIFE.

This is LIFE: You drive bicycle on the street, you are aware of both: yourself driving and of the street. You see road going underneath. Then you stop driving, put you bicycle aside and you stay on the street and you just observe details around (a fabric of environment) and that observation creates some stillness in you and around you. You have stopped the space movement (the world) and you enjoy in LIFE (in observation) . (you can apply this for everything you do.. just stop and observe).

Small talk is also LIFE , when the feeling of “I” is replaced with genuine feeling of situation. You are with somebody unknown, and conversation is started about something that is happening. If that conversation is not shadowed with “personality”… that is LIFE. It is pure enjoyment, freedom, usually followed by lots of laughing… the situation that will never repeat itself, you know it and you do not care, you living it.

Sometimes blogers catch the LIFE: Example: “Anyway. I tried to practice in the AM. I got through some sun salutations and then checked my e-mail. I had to return a few, as they were urgent (viz, regarding lunch next week). Afterwards I did the standing poses up to the one with the palms in reverse Namaste. I put on some Pink. But then I didn't know what I felt like doing.”

You could say this is a joke.. but LIFE is a JOKE. (Even there are lots of “I”s above they are insignificant because ttention is on the action-situation). Look here, this is an example from Ursula: “I can see a big grin on his face: “And during the last 10 minutes you became even more beautifully.” (Her BF told her, she continued) I look at his glas of beer. It is almost empty.”… Do you see difference of setting I in the front vrsus I in the back of situation.

Linda, I tried. As you can see it can not be described, it should be lived. I despize old people, not because they are old but because they wasted their opportunity to live. All their life, they were doing just what-people-do. And I do not like to read about it.

Boodiba said...

Zee - This is what I hear, "Bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla." Ever see the Charlie Brown cartooons & listen to what the kids hear when the parents are talking??

You're entitled to your bla-bla opinion.

Anonymous said...

Linda, you sang “Date after date”. Randy Jackson said it was ok (so-so), some pitchy voices but generally ok, just ok, Paula Abdul cried while listening you, remembering herself and Simon Cowell said you sounded too pushy, too lesbian. …. America voted and Linda………………….…. You are safe!

Susan, you sang “I do, I understand”. Randy said wrong song choice, but on the end you picked up the tune, Paula said: very melodic almost halucigenic and sooo emotional. Simon did not agree with Randy, he said: good song choice but lost it on the end…..Susan, America voted.. and ………….You are safe!

Bad Lady,you sang “Yogatoes”, Randy said: Hey dude check this out… here is .. the HOT ONE!!!, Paula said: such a youth, a vigour, she danced with you, oh yogatoes, yogatoes… Simon said: the best performance of the evening… Lady… America voted…. And .. Lady you are safe.

Zee, you sang “Am I I AM sense?”, Randy said: bad voice, song too old, forgot the lyrics, hey dude be real, get a LIFE!!!, Paula said: it is shame that you got so far, there is no compassion, the connection with the song… Simon said: ridicules, if not psychiatric case then for observing, that’s for sure…. Zee… America voted…. And … Zee you are OUT.

--------------------------------

Ladies and Gentlemen, Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs…
Here comes Zee… he was in top 4.. and now the time is to GO…
the last time on Blog’s Idol…

When I was young
I thought I had my own key
I knew exactly what I wanted to be
Now Im sure
Youve boarded up every door

Lived in a bubble
Days were never ending
Was not concerned
About what life was sending
Fantasy was real
Now I know much
About the way I feel

I’ll paint you the picture
cause I dont think you live round here no more
I’ve never even seen
The key to the door
We only get what we will settle for

While were living
The dreams we have as children
Fade away, away, away
They fade away, away, away

Now my life has turned
Another corner
I think its only best
That I should warn you
Dream it while you can
Maybe someday
I’ll make you understand

I’ll paint you the picture
cause I dont think you live round here no more
I’ve never even seen
The key to the door
We only get what we will settle for

While were living
The dreams we have as children
Fade away
While were living
The dreams we have as children
Fade away
While were living
The dreams we have as children
Fade away
While were living
The dreams we have as children
Fade away, away, away
They fade away, away, away
They fade away, away, away
Fade away, away, away

urbanashtangi said...

Ive decided that I love you!

Although I question your reason when you say that you vomited into a DG bag! Was it Canal St. special?

Anonymous said...

Zee

I have resisted long enough.

Fuck Off and get over yourself.

Lees Lamar said...

Hmmm. That sounds familiar.