Monday, April 23, 2007

Too experienced?

Ok so I am really pissed off today! Not only did I gain back that 10 pounds I lost on the Master Cleanse (whoever said sperm has no calories was WRONG WRONG WRONG) AND I've been fired from my teaching job! Yes, apparently some old bag complained to managment that I wasn't 'experienced enough' as a teacher for her. She told management she wanted someone with more 'life experience; and possibly kids. Like she would know an experienced yoga teacher if one jumped up and did Kappalabhati breathing all over her! Bitch!

I mean come on! I've been practising yoga for nearly a year now, how much more experience could you want? Some of these other so-called yoga teacher ho's have taken one or two classes, max. So it's a career choice for yummy mummies who haven't got anything better to do? I'm so NOT going to be a yoga teacher... I mean I love getting up there all buff and toned and tanned and telling everyone what to do and shit, but once everyone starts in on the gig. FORGET IT!

Mind you, people do hit on you, men, women, old guys, you name it, they all love a hottie in Prana...

So maybe I won't give up just yet.

My ticket is booked to Mysore. I fly out of here 1st class on 1st May. I didn't write a letter. Fuck that shit. I'm going to walk in there and just say "do you know who I am?"
Kidding. I wrote the letter and am hoping to stay in some dive called The Southern Star. If anyone has stayed there recently, let me know, I'm not going to end up in some godforsaken flea pit in downtown Gokulum... I want hot water, I want fluffy towels, I want vintage Beavis and Butthead on cable...


Friday, April 20, 2007

When Life hands you Lemons....

Make like Peter Glickman and bleed the Sucka's dry...
I thought that doing a detox would be easy, you know skimp a bit on the Green and Blacks a few days, tighten my Spanx, do a few more classes at PoleCats But no, it is a far far, bigger commitment than that my friends. Oh yes.

My friend Bathsheba and I decided we'd do the Cleanse together, and I have to say her suggestion that we just get some Clen and go the whole Hollywood route to 00 was tempting, but then rumour has it you turn into a horse or something on that shit so forget it!

The Cleanse is so much more Yogic, (although it took a while to stop shaking and hallucinating) and I can really see the difference. My cheeks look really sunken and... (Thats enough already with the pro-Ana stuff, Ed)

Anyway, I'm glad its done and I feel ready to start practice again. I think my legs are thin enough to wrap behind my head twice now! I should just watch I don't break bones doing Garba Pindasana...

I have another Yo-tux class scheduled in later this week so I'm preparing for that. This week Im going to teach them Nasal Labial Line breathing. (NB: If anyone shops during my lesson this time then I will give them lines. Not the white sort either).

I'm busy booking my ticket to Mysore and trying to work out where to stay and what clothes to wear while I'm there. I'm busy rocking the Eighties band A Flock of Seagulls look right now, but how will that translate to Gokulum? It's about time I went. After all, I'm thin, I'm bendy, and I'm out of work, which leaves me with plenty time for idle gossip/ meaningful discussion of yoga on my hands.

I guess it's just a matter of time before I'm Authorised!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

India Butt

Teaching all those Anas last week - in front of four mirrors no less! - made me start thinking about my own fat arse. I've decided to do it: The Master Cleanse. I know it's not very original but I'm starting next week. Or maybe I should start this week. I don't know, I need to get some eating out of the way first. And after the 12-day cleanse I'm going ALL RAW. This time I mean it. Lucky for me sushi isn't cooked!

If that doesn't work I'm going to have to get to Mysore ASAP so I can get an India Butt. You know, the one that's all shrunken and cute because you've been sick the whole time. I can't wait for my baggy size 00's from high school to fit again. Mid-waist pleated straightleg baggies are going to be THEE Next Big Thing and (as usual) I'M THERE FIRST, SUCKAS.

Which reminds me. I've been inspired by Madonna (again). I'm going to start designing my own t-shirts. Well, actually, I've already started designing them. They're supercute yoga t-shirts. I'll post one soon, promise. But first I've got to trademark them. You know, I've had so much time on my hands what with losing my job and the BF driving Flatsie back to her beloved Russia that I had to do SOMETHING so I didn't go stir crazy and believe you me, practise alone ain't cuttin it. And since the yoga teaching offers and fashion magazine editorships haven't exactly been pouring in, well, I figure I need a new career. I can't WAIT to show my designs to you. All ten of you.

Oh yeah. So we got Flats to the airport (me in the back seat again) only to find out that Aeroflot owed so much in gate fees that they'd been banished for good! No plane! So right then and there BF offered to drive her back to Russia. That's such a long drive -- and he's SUCH a bad driver, and with no GPS no less. She wears so much cologne and he talks incessantly -- they deserve each other. But I'm still playing dumb about their rel. because I want that yoga studio so badly I can taste it (actually it tastes a little bit like chicken. Not that I'd know what that tastes like). So it's time to expand my horizons. And buy my ticket to Mysore. Or.....I wonder if BF would give me a ride there. We could go through Afghanistan on the way. Those Pashtun guys are HOT. And I bet the opium lords at least are really loaded. In more ways than one. Hmmmm....

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Into the Groove

Lip Thump is so an asana - I looked it up in HYP (Harper's Yoga Pradipika) and it's there, next to Adjust-asana (you know the one where you come back to Samasthiti and pull your pant-bunch from out of yo' crack) or how about can't-be-arsed-to-do-"insert what ever asana you don't like to do here"... (in my case, all of em) Well anyhoo.. I'm wondering if teaching might be my calling as a couple of the ladies ran right up to me after the class and asked if I might 'do them' privately. I said I would get back to them as I have an astrology (Vedic) session booked in tomorrow and I want to wait to see what he says...

I feel as if BF and I are drifting. He sounded vague when I tried to make plans for the weekend and said he had to clear his shed out. His Shed? I didn't even know he had a shed.. Or is that man-speak for "I dont' want to see you anymore and your friend gives better blow-jobs"? That Flatsie...

Those thin women in class made me all paranoid. I think I might have gained weight over the holidays. I mean I'm thinner than I used to be, of course that's the Yoga :) But I felt the tiniest muffin top today when I put my new H & M Madonna-designed track pants on...
I love that you can actually buy the clothes that she wears herself! I think its fantastic that someone as cool and trendy as Madonna herself actually shops at H & M. I mean she does, doesn't she?


Monday, April 9, 2007


Let's just say we've been adjusting my meds for most of April and we aren't quite there yet, OK? So you can stop with the mean comments or I may stop taking them altogether and whatever happens will be added to your karmic scorecard.

I taught my first class! They say you should teach what you know and even though I'm really good at astanga I taugh a Yo-Tox class. I'm sorry -- Revita-yoga sounds like some kind of milk-based health drink that's only offered at senior care facilities and I'm so over dairy at this point. And old people. Anyway class was awesome - I had a great time -- and we did lots of lion and other face-saving poses. Some very famous ex-models and dowagers were there (naming names wouldn't be very yogic, would it?). Seeing them do Kiss-the-Sky pose while Hendrix played on the stereo was so entertaining it almost made me forget that I wasn't being paid to teach the class.

Still, I really don't understand how teachers keep from killing their students.

A couple of the women -- Anas to be sure -- kept leaving and returning, leaving and returning. Right when I was in the middle of a great personal story or waxing poetic about how yoga has changed my life and now I only shave my legs twice a day, they would get up to leave. They'd leave for like, ten minutes. It doesn't take that long to puke. Believe me, I know. Then I noticed that every time they came back they were wearing different outfits. They mixed and matched (and not always to good effect): Lulu, Prana, Be Present, Life is Hard, Shiva Shakti. They also looked thinner and a little greener each time.

After class I asked the desk person (who could stand to lose a few pounds, just between you and me) what they were doing and she showed me their credit card receipts. It turns out they were shopping at the studio's Yo-tique -- DURING MY CLASS.


If I'd known that during class I would have taken pictures of them in lion and lip-thump and posted them right here -- or at least asked for a percentage of the sales.

I'm scheduled to teach again next week -- for a fee! -- and there's no way I'm going to show them moola bandha. No way. They don't deserve to know about it. Damn chicken-neck ho's.

Saturday, April 7, 2007


Episode 5, Season 1.
Bad Lady finds herself teaching her first yoga class and encounters some interesting students, many of whom push her rather prominent (and swaroski-encrusted) buttons.. An encounter with a local gang-hoodlum draws Bad Lady into a web of intrigue and gives rise to the question "is it ever alright to put a hit out on your BF?" Stay tuned

Friday, April 6, 2007

Eye Opener

Major, MAJOR drama -- can't write about it now.

At least my practise was good. Quite good in fact. The new mirror makes all the difference.

More later (I hope!).